How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
