Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
