did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
