Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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