i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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