Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
