Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
