# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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