Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There's always time for handjobs
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now