But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"