I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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