I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
