FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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