i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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