I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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