and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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