You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
