On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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