I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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