Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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