In the future we'll all be gay
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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