So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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