Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
