The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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