You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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