I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
