shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
