Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The adults are the big ones right?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
