He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
