I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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