I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
