I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
