So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
