drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to calm my uterus...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
