i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
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He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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