She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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