I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
