he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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