Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
