thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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