I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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