i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
