apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
