i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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