And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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