You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
