I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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