the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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