did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
