Kareoke will never be a sober sport
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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