u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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