i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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