Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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