I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
