ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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