do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
