lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
