went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
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Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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