I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
