So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
